


Regenerative Dissonance

by TheRainbowFox



Series: Thirteenth Doctor Prompts [4]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Cognitive Dissonance, Dissociation, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Disintegration, Mental Instability, Past Character Death, Past Lives, Temporary Character Death, Thasmin if you squint, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 11:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18964522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRainbowFox/pseuds/TheRainbowFox
Summary: Regenerative Dissonance - a mental illness seen in Time Lords, when the personalities of a Time Lord's previous regenerations live on and exert influence over the current personality's body. The Doctor did not heal properly after her crash landing in Sheffield, and several events bring forth cracks in her psyche. With help from her previous selves, and her friends, she must fix the leaks in her mind before insanity grips and the worst befalls her.





	Regenerative Dissonance

**Author's Note:**

> So, this wasn't originally intended to be linked to the fanzine but here we are!  
> The prompt was the phrase 'how are you not dead?' and I was writing this anyway at the time and decided to shift it from a oneshot.  
> However, I did not expect it to be this massive so I'm sorry in advance!
> 
> Either way, regenerative dissonance is absolutely fascinating and I also partly blame the cbc group chat for putting ideas in my head again.
> 
> (Also, a quick side note; I have watched barely anything of 11 and 12 so I have no idea if their reactions and speech patterns are actually accurate!)

Regenerative Dissonance

 

She had heard the stories, time and time ago, of The Eleven. It was considered a vital part of Time Lord history, science and a cautionary regarding the possible complications of regeneration. Though there had yet to be any conceivable studies on the matter, as the subjects normally died before any research could be undertaken, various spattering’s of information could be found scattered across time. To her knowledge, there had not been another case such as theirs for a very long time, although possibly due in part to the amount of time Gallifrey spent locked away. As such, there was no sense of alarm when things started to become more…unusual, inside her own mind.

 

Having a telepathic link with a TARDIS was usually rife with strange happenings. Ever since the matrix had been taken out and rehomed, there had been a significantly better link between both the Doctor and the space-time ship. Not good enough for actual communication, which was still a gripe of hers, but enough that all the mechanical noises made much more sense. Along with the odd mental imagery or feeling of a presence nearby. Getting lost inside her own mind was something the Time Lord often found herself doing whenever without appropriate distractions. Both of those combined meant she would often have substantial conversations with herself, either aloud of inside her head.

 

_‘I wonder where I should take the fam next…I could give them the option of choosing somewhere, but that would probably just confine us to Earth time periods.’_

_‘You love that planet, it’s why we set an alarm.’_

_‘Yeah, but…time and space are so vast. We could literally go anywhere! Wait…we? Why did I say we? GAH! Stupid cables, always getting in the way and getting tangled. You’d think I don’t maintain anything under here. How can it get so messy when nobody even comes down here?’_

 

Arm catching a cluster of cables and sonic dropping to the secondary floor below, the Doctor let out an irritated huff as she tried to untangle herself. The TARDIS chimed in with a quiet wheeze of laughter, only irritating her further.

“Oi, it’s not funny. I swear you’re doing this on purpose. Also, did you say something earlier?”

There was a whine and a beep, indicating that the TARDIS had no idea what she was on about. Freeing her arm from the cables, the Doctor shuffled down the secondary floor, before pulling herself back onto the main level of grating. She checked to make sure there were no more undesired tears in her shirts, before looking over at the console with a smile.

“Ah, it’s nothing. Just mixing up tenses in my head again. Probably means I’m tired, I am due a quick power nap.”

Slinging her coat over her shoulder, the Doctor headed away to her bedroom, still pondering other strange wording her brain had come up with. Not that it would be a surprise, she often went off on tangents inside her own thoughts and misused words. Although, there was a gnawing feeling the Time Lord could not quite shake.

* * *

 

“You let my friends go, right this second, or we will throw your precious little antidote into the nearest supernova. Don’t push your luck. Here there’s a nice one not too far.”

Mandibles clicked and quivered with untranslated words, a hush quickly falling across the small army. However, the general was less impressed by the threat, squaring up to the projected image of the Doctor, gun aimed squarely at her chest.

“We? We detect only one life signature, Time Lord. Who is this ‘we’?”

The Doctor paused, staring at the Rakvid with a strong glare. Admittedly, she had not noticed the slip of her tongue, brain slowly knitting together the last five seconds of time. She had been more concerned about getting her companion’s back than making true on her threats.

“Me, my sonic and…”

The hologram distorted with static, silence broken by the emerging whirring sounds. Materialising around Ryan, Graham and Yaz, the TARDIS quickly solidified as the doors were bombarded by laser fire. From the speakers system, the Doctor’s voice rang out.

“My TARDIS. I’ll be taking my friend’s back now. See ya!”

 

Gunfire was replaced with the soft sound of engines purring as the Doctor quickly made her way over to Graham and released the chains around his wrists and legs. He rubbed at the sore skin, watching as the Time Lord danced around Ryan and Yaz in a similar manner.

“Couldn’t’ya have made an appearance sooner Doc? Those chains didn’t half smart.”

Ryan pressed his back against the console and slid down to the floor, letting out a long sigh as he closed his eyes. Yaz joined him, although her eyes were trained on the Time Lord.

“Also, since when did you start referring to the TARDIS and your sonic as a collective? Not that I don’t appreciate the rescue, it’s just that we all heard that and that’s certainly not a you thing to do.”

As her foot came down on the biscuit dispenser pedal, the Doctor shrugged her shoulders, popping the biscuit into her mouth and talking over it.

“What? I’ve done it before. Loads of times. I’m a package deal with these two.”

Despite the confused stare from the three of them, and the slight head shake from Yaz, the Doctor swallowed the remains of her biscuit and gestured towards the hallway.

“Anyway, you lot should go have a nice soak in the bath. You’ll find some bath crystals to help clear up those nasty cuts and scrapes. Then we can sit down and relax. Okay?”

 

Once her companions had left the room, all of them passing vague remarks about the wonders of a hot bath, the Doctor hoisted herself up onto the control panel. As her legs dangled idly against the metal, she tilted her head back to look at the central column. It pulsated with light as the TARDIS let out whines and beeps. She could feel a lingering sense of concern and unease, but brushed off her ship’s mental suggestions.

 

“What do you mean I’ve never done it before? Well, maybe I’m just trying to mix up my lingo again. Can’t be as bad as that moment in Sheffield where I called people dude. Certainly never doing that one again. And besides, maybe I just wanted to refer to myself as the royal we. Big up my title, seeing as they knew who I was. I had to make some kind of distraction so you could go pick them up. Thanks for that, by the way. Anyway, better get these burn marks fixed on my shirt. Everything’s fine, promise.”

* * *

 

Graham rolled over and looked at the bedside clock blinking in the dark. Three twenty one am. He groaned under his breath, trying to block out the vibrations by wrapping his pillow around his head. Although it helped, he knew it would be impossible to keep up through the remainder of the night, and was sure that the noises were not coming from the TARDIS itself. Throwing the duvet away, he slowly meandered out of the bed and reached for the dressing gown that hung on the back of his door, and the slippers off to the side. Suitably dressed, he headed out into the dim hallways, following the source of the noise.

With each step, it became apparent it wasn’t just vibrations. It was music. A deep, low thrum of a guitar. He knew that his grandson’s dyspraxia made it next to impossible to even go near any kind of instrument, and did not peg Yaz to be any kind of guitarist herself. Which left only one option. He turned two more corners until he was faced with a half open door and a beam of light pouring through it. Peering through the gap, he saw the Doctor.

She was perched atop a chair, or more, draped over one. Her eyes were obscured by thick black sunglasses, and her fingers idly strummed away at a black and white electric guitar. Despite being rudely awoken by the racket, he had to admit that the tune she was playing was enjoyable. Determined to figure out why she was messing around so early in the morning, Graham raised a hand and knocked twice at the door. The music cut to an abrupt end, the slick squeak of guitar strings and a cut-off amp causing him to jump slightly. Before long, the Doctor appeared at the door.

 

“Graham! What’re you doing up? It’s not time to get going already is it? Oh, right, sorry, lemme just…”

 

The sunglasses were pushed up into her hairline as the Doctor shifted to one side and allowed Graham to enter the small lounge area. His eyes focused on the guitar that sat abandoned on one of the chairs, and the small amplifier it was hooked up to. He gestured over towards it, trying his best to smile despite the tiredness and shred of irritation.

“Didn’t know you were a musician Doc. But, can I ask, why are you playing that at three am?”

He folded his arms over his chest, watching as the Doctor nonchalantly resumed her awkward position on the chair and clutched at the guitar.

“Just came over me is all. Had this…urge to play it. I wrote that song. For an old companion. I say old, she is the one before the one before you. Name is Clara. Clara Oswald. The Impossible Girl. I lost all memory of her. Except that song. And then, I remembered. And I remember still.”

The Doctor drew another chord out on the guitar, smiling to herself, paying no mind to the tinge of frustration in Graham’s voice. Now that he was in better light, he also noticed that she was wearing different clothes. Clothes that looked more like the ones he had seen when she fell through the roof of the train. But, in his tired state, he ignored it, and pressed on.

“Doc…three am? As much as I appreciate the want to reminisce, us humans need some shut eye. Mind turning it down?”

 

Finally, the Doctor acknowledged his request, giving an apologetic nod before the sunglasses fell over her eyes again and Graham wandered back to bed.

* * *

 

_‘Doctor…Doctor…’_

 

Her head snapped up, almost hitting the bookshelf behind her as a noise caught her attention. Book fell into her lap as she scanned the library, momentarily quirking an eyebrow at one of the walls.

“Did you say something?”

The TARDIS whined in retort. A sharp pain began to slowly creep up from her spine, clinging to her neck, wrapping around her skull. Hissing from the pain, she lifted her fingers to her temples, pressing down and screwing her eyes shut. In between the shockwaves, she could hear something again. The Doctor strained to listen.

 

_‘Doctor.’_

 

It sounded like her. But also not. One hand moved to dive into her coat pocket, pulling out the sonic screwdriver and swiftly running it over herself. The Doctor found herself unable to open her eyes to check the reading and the alien device soon clattered to the floor as she grasped at her head again.

 

_‘Doctor. I know you can hear me.’_

 

The voice. She knew the voice. A now distant memory reinvigorating and invading her thoughts and echoing around inside her head. That voice was impossible. The Doctor slowly opened her eyes, tried to reach for her sonic and ignore what she was hearing, but another pain shot through her and she curled in on herself.

 

“How…how are you not dead?”

_‘I don’t know, why don’t you tell me? I was dead, for a while, but somebody didn’t want to let go.’_

 

The pain subsided slowly, the more she concentrated on the words. Hands hurriedly clutched at her sonic screwdriver as eyes ran over the readings. A weight dropped in her stomach. It was him.

 

“Are you being sarcastic or…?”

_‘Why would I waste my time with sarcasm? I let myself go for…for you? As glad I as I am that you have been following my rules to a tee, I see the brain capacity has dropped somewhat.’_

“Oi, I resent that! It’s not my fault I can’t tell under that accent. And you were very sarcastic at times, thank you. But anyway, back to the point, how are you not dead? For all intents and purposes, you should be. Sorry. Bit harsh that.”

 

She could hear him chuckle, feel him smiling, her own lips following suit in an uncontrolled reactive response.

 

_‘Considering that we were forcibly ejected from the TARDIS, and you went of galivanting almost immediately, not taking the proper time to come around from the whole process, I image that you quite thoroughly botched this regeneration. However, I wonder…this look…harkening back to someone perhaps? I mean, I can’t say I blame you, I took on an entire person, but this…I’m almost impressed.’_

“I am not a botched regeneration! I saved the planet after I crashed. Made new friends too. And don’t you go digging back into our past, this is already annoying as is. You still haven’t told me what…this…even is.”

 

The Doctor gestured at her person, slowly pushing herself up the bookcase until she was standing again.

_‘This is me telling you that there is a serious problem that needs to be fixed, and if you aren’t quick about it, then I can already foresee everyone else showing up for this impromptu blast-from-the-past party.’_

She began to pace through the library, back and forth, hands sealed inside the pockets of her coat. Each time she tried to think clearly, another pain would cause her to hiss or wince. It was impossible to ignore the voice of her Twelfth self.

 

“By everyone else…you mean…”

_‘Yes. Bowtie. Hair gel. Leather jacket. Maybe even so far as the original. Although I would rather avoid having to be in close quarters with him again. So please, do hurry up and fix this. I made my peace with the universe and I would like it stay that way.’_

“But how? If this is what I think it is, and by it I mean some kind of dissonance, then how do you even fix that? I can’t just pick up some book and find the answer, every Time Lord who ever had this is dead. By their own hands. And there is no way that I am going to set foot back on Gallifrey and…ask for help. You must have some idea of what’s going on. You’re brilliant! Well, we’re brilliant. Stars above, this is confusing.”

 

Her pacing stopped, body twisting in the opposite direction as an idea struck.

 

“You keep saying botched regeneration, and, making peace with the universe. I have a feeling those two are connected. I mean, how come I haven’t heard you until now?”

_‘Oh, I’ve been around since I left. More…background remnants. To protect you. I thought that once you had figured yourself I would fade away into the ether. Then something happened…or, something has been happening. I made my peace, and I thought you had too…and yet…’_

“Yet what?”

_‘You’re still hiding.’_

“Hiding? Hiding what?”

_‘Oh, don’t go playing dumb on me, we both know that isn’t going to work. You know exactly what I mean, but you just won’t admit it to yourself. You’re hiding everything. You’re hiding yourself. These new humans know nothing about you. You run and avoid places you have been or things you have seen, purposefully giving them a fresh view of who you are. Away from all the anger and the pain and the suffering. But your mask has been cracking, and I have come though. You do things when you think they aren’t watching, say things when you think they can’t hear. I’ve seen the way you smile at those who do wrong. Remember the Dalek? Oh, don’t think I didn’t notice that. You kept your friends in the dark and look what happens. You almost killed one of their family members, and you did nothing to stop it. It’s a good job the universe had other plans, or you would be in some hot water right now.’_

“I…I didn’t…that wasn’t…”

 

The Doctor let out a weary sigh, hands removing themselves from her pockets and clinging to masses of blonde hair. She tugged, trying to take the memory away, but her other self forced her hands down to grip at her face instead.

 

_‘You are not answering the call of who you are, who you are meant to be. You are subverting it and trying to forget what has made you who you are. Who we wanted to be. I admire the effort, but life is not sunshine and rainbows and one day that will catch up to you and you won’t be prepared. You’re doing the same as the rest of us.’_

_‘_ Well _, I dunno, running away is what we do.’_

 

She knew that voice. And so did he.

 

12 _‘Oh well look who’s joining us. The man who set off this disastrous self destructive cycle and gave me the brilliant idea of thinking memory wiping could fix things. Perfect!’_

10 _‘Right, oh yes,  like we should take anything you say to be right just because you were the last one still kicking around.’_

12 _‘Well I didn’t waste an entire regeneration just to keep -’_

 

“Oh no! We are not dragging that skeleton out of the closet! Great, this is just getting worse. There’s two of you in there now?! I’m, we, are running out of time. Now if you two can just keep your bitterness aside for five seconds I might have enough brain power to get us out of this mess.”

 

12 _‘If anyone knows about running away from his problems, it’s this one. What happened to trying to fix things and being a Doctor, eh? Fat lot of good you were.’_

10 _‘I made peace with my demons long before you came around. And, if I remember rightly, if I hadn’t saved Caecilius, you wouldn’t even be here at all. Also, can I just say, I rather like this new look.’_

12 _‘Yes, you would…the future really did go all girl. Even The Master. Although we ended up on the nicer side of the spectrum…’_

10 _‘The…he_ what _?’_

 

“The Master became Missy. Don’t ever be in a room with the two of them. How that paradox worked is beyond me. But yes, they’re she now and oh does she play it up.”

 

For the first time in the last hour, silence fell across her mind. It was nice. It gave her time to focus on the problem of her previous personas leaking into her current mind. And the fact that the Twelfth version of herself seemed to have minor motor control. She let go of her face and let her arms hang by her side, furrowing her brows in thought.

 

“Still not addressing the problem. I can buy the Scotsman being here, but why on earth have you decided to just waltz on in here. If I remember rightly, you made good on all the nonsense you did. I mean, you helped Donna. Granted you still very much owe poor Martha an apology, and you said goodbye to…to…”

10 _‘I know. I would say I’m thrilled to be back…I never wanted to die. Not really.’_

12 _‘See, and there’s your problem. You didn’t want to die. So, a rift comes up between our former selves. I come on through because this is more or less part of my problem, and you just see it as an opportunity to walk around again. You want a second chance. But she’s the one in control now.’_

“Says you, you moved my hands. I wouldn’t call that control…although, I am starting to get an idea of what’s going on. After the TARDIS threw me out, I may have done a few stupid things until I passed out. Like you did, mister regrets. Then I may have also absorbed most of a sonic mine blast and gone and run off again…after that a bunch of non-related things happened until that damned Dalek showed up. Evidently, I may have had some kind of…minor mental lapse.”

12 _‘That’s certainly putting it mildly. That hiding was almost impressive.’_

“And now everyone’s going to be joining a big old tea party inside my head until I either go completely bananas or get you lot back out where you should have been this whole time. We on the same page now?”

 

There was a hum of consensus between the three personalities. However, it still left them with no definitive solution to the problem. There were ideas floating around from all angles, but none of them seemed logical. If it was merely as simple as forcing things back to normal, then a great many Time Lords would not be dead. As much as she liked the idea of being able to go back and forth between herself without having to involve anyone else into the equation, she knew it was impossible for even their brain to sustain the control war that would eventually start up.

 

“You may not have wanted to die, but you were so utterly selfish in what you did. Didn’t you think about how that would affect the rest of us? I mean, you met bowtie. How can you not care about how that turned out? And then take five seconds to look at the start of our new cycle. You may have died, but we didn’t. Clara got us another chance. And sure, we kind of messed it up in the beginning, but we learnt from it. Grew from it. And although we may have absolutely craved the sweet touch of death…I’m here. And as much as I can say I don’t particularly feel like dying any time soon, I know it’s going to happen. I’m going to lose my friends. They’re going to lose me. But at least I’m spending my life trying to show them a good life. We let go of our past. We accepted it. We moved on. All those titles and names we had don’t mean anything anymore. I’m just the Doctor. A traveller. A mad man…eh…woman…with a blue box and a screwdriver. I don’t need you here to remind me of that, I have never forgotten. What I have forgotten, is to stay true to you all. I’ve gone past everyone I once knew and disrespected them all by hiding again. And, without you giving me the worst headache ever and arguing inside my head, I wouldn’t have noticed until I lost them all too.”

 

10 _‘Glad to see we’re still good with speeches. Also, very much a rambler and self-talker. Wonder where you got that from.’_

12 _‘Yes, don’t remind us. I don’t do speeches. I do important messages. And Doctor…I think you’ve just about hit the nail on the-’_

 

She wasn’t entirely sure who was yelling. Or screaming. Or howling in pain. But something was very wrong inside her head. It felt like a vice was trying to crush her skull and tear her apart simultaneously. Her balance faltered as she fell towards one of the bookshelves, clinging on for dear life as she only just made out the concerned whining of the TARDIS. Teeth ground together as the pain coursed through her body, barely able to make out words.

 

“It’s…okay…Sexy…”

 

As soon as the words left her mouth, the Doctor felt the pain dissipate, but the dull drumming pain was worse than before, and she already knew the reason why.

 

11 _‘Oh, pardon me, sorry about the intrusion. I…oh…I shouldn’t be here, should I? Why can I feel more than one of me? Most unusual. Although I recognise one of you.’_

10 _‘Ah, the over-compensator.’_

12 _‘Our last self…or rather, my last self. Because what we so desperately needed right now was a hyperactive tantrum throwing child in our midst. Although, I appreciate the turn of events of how you let me be, I’ll give you that. You can count me out of babysitting duty, and I’m pretty sure the TARDIS would agree too.’_

 

There was a confirmatory series of beeps from the TARDIS, which made the Doctor smile before noting the incredulous whine of her Eleventh and technically final self.

 

“This situation is going south fast. Also, how can you, if you just got here, have the ability to control my speech? I don’t appreciate losing verbal control as well as motor control thank you.”

11 _‘Well, this is my body, so therefore-’_

10 _‘Now hold on a second, this isn’t your bloody body!’_

 

12 _‘It is none of ours. It should have remained with our current self, and yet here we all are. So I suggest that, if you want to fix this problem, that you remain quiet. Otherwise we will face actual death. Not regenerative death, no, this body will perish. Either through the sheer maddening quality of all of us housing inside it, or the body will simply shut down from a power struggle.’_

11 _‘Blimey…that doesn’t sound entirely pleasant…’_

12 _‘No, it isn’t. You died at the end of the regenerative cycle so you’re closer to actual death than the rest of us. I was quite happy to go whilst he…was not.’_

10 _‘No, I wasn’t. However, I am entirely above using another person as a host body. If I ever wanted to be alive again I’d rather be in my original state. I’ve been controlled before, and that was the most unpleasant experience I have ever faced. It’s no joke being a back seat to your own existence.’_

“Yeah, well, from where I’m standing, it’s not nice having three back seat drivers either. Quite the opposite in fact. Now will you all just shut up so I can talk to the TARDIS about all of this? I’m pretty sure the old girl can tell what’s going on. Doubt any of you lot have even bothered to check for her presence in here too. The telepathic link is seriously struggling right now.”

 

The Doctor pushed herself away from the bookshelf finally, stumbling the first two feet until her arms managed to support herself on the adjacent wall. She looked up at the ceiling with an attempted smile, trying not to show the sheer amount of pain she was in. It was no use hiding from the TARDIS, however, and the Doctor could feel her positively radiating with concern. So much so that her former selves actually managed to stay quiet for more than five seconds.

“Hey…it’s alright. No need to get so worked up. Save your energy, don’t strain yourself with the telepathic link. And please ignore me if I…if we…if they start reaching out. We love you, but I need you to keep me sane.”

There was a dejected hum, followed by the whirring of engines and a flickering of lights. The room even juddered slightly, and the Doctor was thankful to have something to hold on to. She could see an idea forming inside her head, although it was getting harder to devote brain power to thinking when three other people were trying to have their say in the matter. They were arguing amongst themselves, she could feel it. The TARDIS had settled itself in the time stream, meaning that all she had to do was go find some help.

 

12 _‘Your brain needs to be knitted back together properly, and we can only do that with regeneration energy. You’re going to need a serious shock to the system, but not enough to force the whole process.’_

“Define, shock to the system. You mean mental or…”

11 _‘Physical. If this trauma was indeed caused by the regenerative process being considerably off kilter since it started, then it needs to be fixed in exactly the same way. I mean, we could always try some kind of mental probing to syphon us all off into locked areas of the brain but that would not be rid of the problem.’_

10 _‘We aren’t a problem. We are fine. The leaking of us is the problem. And how do you fix a leak? Stop the gap.’_

12 _‘Yes, but only if you stop the gap properly. Doing this wrong could cause the rest of our lives to come pouring through and incur the madness. And we’re only going to get one shot at this. Either the problem goes away, we go mad, or we-’_

 

“Or we die and regenerate all over again, praying that that will stem the tide. I know, I heard you thinking it earlier. No need to save face on my account. I mean, on our account. We’re the Doctor, I’m pretty sure we can take it. Can’t be as bad as that jolt from the TARDIS, right?”

_‘Or as bad as swallowing the TARDIS matrix.’_

 

The Doctor had barely reached the doorway before her legs gave out and she found herself on the cool floor below. She heard her own screams echoing down the hallway as fingers curled in vain against the metal floor and tears fell from her eyes. The one out of the Time War had made his way through.

 

9 _‘Your best chance at this is to get help to come to you.’_

12 _‘Five lives all in one space inside a Time Lord’s mind…Doctor, you need to find something that can cause a partial regeneration.’_

11 _‘Considering that guns are useless and entirely for idiots, that is out of the question. However, I suspect that if you can find sufficient cabling from the TARDIS control room, you can generate an electrical charge strong enough to kick start the process. Though she will take some convincing to knowingly hurt you.’_

10 _‘Or, give control over to whoever else is on this ship. Let them do it. I’m pretty sure that whoever is here would rather not see you suffering. That is, if you chose them right of course.’_

 

“You know…it’s not that easy…getting them to punch you in the chest is one thing, to restart a heart…but actually hurting us? Me? They care too much. They won’t understand.”

 

12 _‘We have never chosen wrong. Look at all the marvellous things these humans have done for us. They risk their lives constantly for our sake. Once more won’t hurt.’_

9 _‘You’ll also need to tell them to take you to the Zero Room to recover. And warn them. Warn them of what might happen if this doesn’t work.’_

11 _‘You’d be surprised at how well they can take you change, and take to wanting you back at any costs. New face or not. So, you really should get going now. Really.’_

“Right. Yeah. Should probably do that. Hey old girl…mind giving me a hand. You know…do your magic. Please?”

 

Vibrations travelled through her body as she felt the TARDIS reconfigure the interior dimensions around her. Holding her breath, the Doctor slowly began to right herself, rolling onto her back and pushing herself up the wall. By the time she was on her feet again, she could see the console room out of the corner of her eye. Slow and deliberate steps carried her forward, breath coming out slow and laboured. The TARDIS continued to buzz with fear and concern, and she tried her best to smile it off. Although, she could no longer tell who was doing the smiling, if she was really herself anymore. The lines between past and current self and selves were blurring.

“Okay. Just a jolt. Harmless. Now then…”

Doors swung out into the open, warm air breezing through the open space. For a moment, the world was still, until three curious faces peered around the door frame. She gave them a wave, leaning herself against the nearest part of the console and ushering them over. However, before they could speak, the Doctor beat them to it.

One of them.

 

9 “Ah, so these must be your companions. They seem like a capable bunch. Make’s a change.”

All three of them froze on the spot, eyes wide and in various states of confusion. The Doctor gripped at the side of her head, hissing slightly, before Ryan ran over to her side.

“Mate, are you alright? What’s wrong?”

Yaz was not far behind, wrapping one arm around the Time Lord’s shoulders as she tried to get her to turn her attention towards her.

 

“Doctor, you do recognise us, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. You’re my wonderful fam! My gang, my team, my…”

 

There was a pause, another hiss of pain.

 

12 “Doctor, stop stalling. You need to get started soon or the damage will be irreversible!”

“I know, just give me a minute. You’re not helping.”

10 “You can’t get help if you're dead so just tell them what the bloody hell to do!”

 

Both Ryan and Yaz stepped back as the Doctor began to argue with herself. Each time she spoke, her voice pitch and stance changed. It was like they were looking at an actor, albeit one who was still groaning and wheezing in agony. Graham ushered both of them over, pulling them in to whisper.

 

“Has she lost it?”

“No idea, definitely never seen her like this before. And what’s with the different voices?”

“Ryan, Graham, tread carefully. We don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want to scare her.”

 

They remained huddled together, occasionally glancing back at the Doctor. She was slowly pacing around the console but continued to speak in an odd manner. Yaz caught something about having a massive headache and started to panic a little when she heard the word shock. Ryan watched her gesticulate wildly to various parts of the TARDIS and the cables under the floor panels. Graham offhandedly mentioned something about hearing the ‘Scotsman’ and thought back to the day he had first dismissed the Doctor as mad. He was starting to feel his suspicions were grounded in fact. All three of them quickly stood to attention as a finger was pointed at them.

 

“Sorry about that. Long story. In a lot of pain. Pretty much malfunctioning. But it’s fine. Really. I just need one of you lot to do me a tiny favour.”

9 “Don’t sugar coat it.”

11 “Just tell them to pull out those really thick cables and just…you know…zappity zap us right in the chest. Nothing to kick start a regenerative coma like a shock to the heart! Come on now, chop chop. Any more time wasting and we’re gonna go mad.”

12 “I think we’ve already reached insanity. Have none of you paid attention to how those three look right now? Even an idiot would be more self-aware.”

 

Graham scratched at the back of his neck, barely managing to keep up with the very one-sided conversation that was going on.

“Right, Doc, slow down a sec. I didn’t catch any of that. What’s all this about a favour? And why are you…uh…you know what, never mind. Just tell us what you need.”

Despite flitting between various voices and body languages, the three companions eventually got the idea of what the Doctor was getting at. Her previous lives were all occupying space inside her mind, rallying for control over her (their) body and it was likely that the remaining eight would eventually show up if they didn’t act quickly.

“Doctor, you want us to…”

Yaz was unable to finish her sentence, throat tightening up at the thought of harming but a single hair on the Doctor’s head. She watched her nod in response, glancing off to the side and kicking at the floor with her right foot.

 

12 “Yasmin Khan, this is not a want, it is a need. A very, very big need. We cannot sustain this for much longer. Even a Time Lord’s mind can only hold so much, and while this would have killed a human off by now, we are slowly reaching the precipice of this cliff towards certain doom.”

11 “Not that we want to frighten you or anything, heavens forbid, no. But between the five of us we have deduced that this is the only possible solution that could give us even a slim chance of survival. I say us, we mean her. The Doctor. Your Doctor. Who is slowly retreating back inside here with the rest of us.”

 

“Graham…Ryan…Yaz…”

 

The Doctor’s voice sounded hollow and afraid, tears crossing over her cheeks and down her neck.

“Please…I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I had any other choice. The TARDIS will regulate the current. She’ll stop me from dying. And I know all of you are scared but…I…I need you. I need you to help me. Please. It hurts so much.”

 

As if to punctuate the severity of the situation, the Doctor found herself screaming again. One hand covered her mouth in an attempt to stifle the sound as another wrapped around the underside of the console. Her body twisted and turned until she was facing the central column, head pressed down into the controls as she fought back against the nauseating waves of razor-sharp pain burning inside her skull. A hiss of air masked most of the sound, steam pouring out of one of the floor panels before it began to rattle and quake. Ryan scrambled over towards it, catching oen of the corners in his hands and pulling it to one side. Graham joined him in looking down into the gap whilst Yaz was torn between helping them or doing something to comfort the Doctor.

 

“Yaz, I think this is the thing the Doc wants us to use.”

“It’s a pretty hefty set of cables, gotta be a few inches. Might need you to give us a hand, I don’t trust myself not to drop it.”

 

Yaz stayed rooted to the spot, eyes focused on the quickly crumpling Time Lord. However, the TARDIS let out a shrill whine, jolting her back to attention. She hurried over towards her friends, taking one end of the cable whilst Ryan and Graham took the other. They each pulled and pushed, sparks flying out and knocking them back as the wires came free in an unexpected light show. The lights cut out, momentarily, suspending them in silent darkness before flickering back. Ryan saw that the Doctor was now leaning against one of the columns off to the side, clutching her head close to her chest. He let go of the cable, leaving it held in Graham’s hands as Yaz slotted the other side of the connection back under the floor.

 

“Man, I can’t do this…”

“Me either son. All I can see…is Grace…and what happened with the gathering coil. We can’t put the Doc through that. She won’t make it.”

 

A groan came from the Doctor as she slowly righted herself, head still in her hands and eyes facing downwards.

 

9 “If you’re not…going to help…fat lot of use you are.”

10 “What I mean is, let the TARDIS…take you to the Zero Room.”

11 “The Zero Room is where Time Lords go when we have trouble regenerating and could possibly die instead. Which…is becoming a possibility right now. Feels like the rest of us will be dropping by any minute, the pressure is building and it’s getting harder to keep control with your Doctor.”

 

Without so much of a word in Yaz’s direction, Graham dropped the cable and helped Ryan up onto his feet. The two of them exchanged a concerned glance before rushing off down the hallway. Failing to find the words for being left alone in such a dire situation, Yaz started to head on after them before she past the Doctor and felt a hand clinging to the sleeve of her jacket.

 

“Yaz…please…don’t go too. I can’t do this by myself. I need you to stay.”

“Doctor, I’m not going to stand here and throw I don’t know how many volts of unrestrained electricity at you! There has to be another way, you’re smart! Brilliant! You can think of something, surely.”

 

When the Doctor finally lifted her head up, Yaz felt her heart shattering. The Time Lord’s skin was ghostly, and heavy circles were resting under her sullen eyes. She looked worse than tired, half-gone, barely able to keep consciousness. And yet, she still managed to smile. The same smile Yaz knew as the one to mean ‘everything is okay’. But it didn’t feel okay. Not by a long shot. She was about to do the unthinkable; hurt her best friend. The woman who meant more to her than every start in the universe. The woman who showed her what life could be like if she just stopped being so afraid. And afraid she was, so very afraid. Even with the consequences being explained to her, through many different voices, she was scared she was going to lose the Doctor. One way or another.

 

“Please…”

 

The Doctor’s voice changed on every letter, cracking through five different ranges and tones as the grip on Yaz’s arm loosened. A shaky hand rose to rest atop the one clutching her arm, and Yaz tried her best to smile back. She was afraid, but she was more afraid of letting the Doctor suffer the madness. All she could do was offer up a small nod of confirmation before the grip on her arm fell away completely. Together, with Yaz supporting the Time Lord against her shoulder, they moved towards the cable that sat on the floor.

Depositing the Doctor to lean against the console, Yaz picked up the cable, staring at the end. It looked like any normal connector, but she could feel the power humming trough it as the vibrations shuddered through her fingertips. However, she was entirely unsure of what she had to do. Holding the wires under her arm, she turned towards the Doctor, who’s eyes had fallen closed and shoulders slumped under the weight of herself. The TARDIS hummed, jolting the Time Lord back to reality.

 

“Doctor, I-”

“It’s okay.”

 

The reassurance did nothing. Yaz felt herself tearing up. The Doctor pushed her way off the console and came to stand before her, like the many times they had done so in the past. She took another step closer, erasing the distance between them, nerves tingling from the static emanating from the wires. But as the pain began to spread through her body, knees threatening to give way, she simply smiled.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Hands caught hers. Wrapped around the cable. Sharply bringing it forward.

Yaz felt a rush of hot air. Saw lights cut out. Heard another scream. Smelt burning.

* * *

 

Ryan took the first watch. He left Yaz in the care of Graham, knowing full well that he was unable to deal with the situation. As much as his best friend needed him, he didn’t trust himself not to say something to make her feel worse. He had helped her carry the Doctor to the Zero Room, following the odd mentions from her about how to set her up on the bed. Orders from the TARDIS or something. There was a single chair in the room and he had pulled it up next to the bed. Mostly he sat in silence, but other times he would talk to the Doctor. Sometimes about his memories of Yaz, the bullying he had experienced for his dyspraxia, memories of Grace or his mum. Once in a while, he would move to check her pulse, like his nan had taught him, crestfallen at the barely registering dual heartbeats. By the time he had sat around for a few hours, Graham came into the room to tell him that Yaz was having a nap and that he would take the next watch of the Time Lord.

Graham was more talkative. He thought that keeping a constant stream of noise or a familiar voice would help. Having spent the last few hours consoling Yaz and bringing her down from a panic attack had taken a bit of a toll on him. Still, he persisted. Graham talked mostly about his past. More often than not, he had been told by many people that his stories were boring or unimportant, but having a place to let them out was surprisingly cathartic. Ryan even came back at one point with a tea, a smile on his face as he listened to him go on about bus driving, letting him know that Yaz was awake and ready to take over.

 

“Are you sure, son? I don’t know if she’ll be able to handle this. Poor thing was in a right mess after she bought the Doc in here.”

“Grandad, have you met Yaz? She’s a lot tougher than you give her credit for. Breaking happens to the best of us, she’ll be fine.”

 

The TARDIS hummed in approval, blinking the lights a few times to get her point across, even if it fell on deaf eyes and ears. Ryan left briefly to retrieve Yaz, soon handing her over to the capable hands of Graham. They exchanged a few words on the barely responsive state of the Doctor, before he too left her alone in the Zero Room. With a loud sniffle, she deposited herself on the chair, scooting it as close to the bed as possible. Tentatively, she picked up the Time Lord’s hand between her own, stroking her thumb across the top of it. Her skin was ice cold, and her face looked almost serene despite everything. Even with the scorched shirts and burnt skin.

 

“Doctor, I…”

Yaz paused, letting out a weak laugh.

“You probably can’t hear me, can you? Then again, you told me before that Time Lord’s have really sensitive hearing, so who knows. Maybe you can.”

She had cried many tears, and her chest felt tight and hot, but she persisted with talking. Fearful that she would not get another chance.

“If you can hear me, then I just…I just want to say…thank you. Not just from me, but for all of us. You’ve given us the most wonderful opportunity, You’ve shown us the best of the universe. And, even if sometimes it’s been tough, or heartbreaking, or cruel…I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m a better person because of you, Doctor. And I will never stop thanking you. You really are the best person I’ve ever met, and I’ll still be with you…whatever happens.”

 

Muttering a quiet prayer under her breath, Yaz silently placed a kiss to the top of the Doctor’s hand before placing it back atop her chest. The remainder of her shift was spent in silence, ruminating on all the adventures she had had with the marvellous woman. She could feel the TARDIS’ presence lingering around the room, calm and comforting. The lights slowly dimmed down, almost urging her to leave. Yaz took a final look at the Doctor, before looking up at the ceiling. She had seen the Time Lord do it before, when talking to the sentient ship.

 

“She’s going to be okay, right? You’ll keep her safe? I mean, I know you will..but…”

The TARDIS whined, and Yaz smiled. Of course the Doctor was in safe hands.

“Please tell us if anything happens. Tell me if anything happens. Because…I want to be there. No matter what time it is.”

Yaz slowly rose from the chair, heading out of the door and off to her bedroom.

 

The gang met up again at breakfast, all in various states of unrest. Unsurprisingly, Yaz had had the least sleep, complaining of nightmares. Graham had found himself awake much too early, and had found Ryan already in the kitchen making breakfast. None of them had heard anything from the TARDIS through their time asleep, and assumed nothing had changed. However, they made plans to go back to her once they had at least eaten something. Eating anything at all was beyond difficult but they managed, all gathering up the courage to walk down the corridors towards the Zero Room.

 

“How’d’ya think the Doc is?”

“Dunno. She’s worse than when she was with me and nan after the train. Couldn't see any of the gold stuff coming off her or moving around her, so I don’t think that’s good.”

 

Yaz recalled her mentioning before that she had not been ready to wake up yet, and wondered if this whole situation was because of that one moment long since forgotten by time. They made their way through the doorway, each looking over the Doctor. She had not moved. However, Ryan noticed that the burns on her chest were looking less red and angry. Graham moved closer, placing two fingers against the side of her neck and letting out a low hum.

“Pulses are a tad better, but not much. Feels a little warmer too at least.”

 

Overall, the Doctor took two and a half weeks before she slowly began to stir. It happened on Graham’s watch, while he was zoned out in a very old newspaper. At the sound of a weary groan, he jolted out of the seat, newspaper discarded on the floor as he rushed over to the bed.

“Good Lord, you gave me a damn heart attack!”

He turned his head to the doorway and yelled as loud as possible for the others to come into the room. Footsteps thundered down the hall as he turned back towards the Doctor with concern.

“Okay, first of all Doc, are you alright? And second, how are you not dead?”

The Doctor shuffled slightly on the bed, slowly lifting her head to look up at Graham. She offered a weak smile, eyes moving to glance at her chest.

 

“Regenerative coma. Time Lords slip into them when we’ve had a pretty bad time. Anyway, mind keeping it down, I gotta-”

“DOCTOR!”

 

Ryan and Yaz almost collided in the doorway as they ran into the room, soon kneeling besides the bed. Graham hissed at the to keep quiet, watching as the Doctor brought both hands up to her temples and closed her eyes. Even the TARDIS seemed to quieten down, barely making a noise as the Time Lord stayed stock still. Her brows knitted together, frown forming, body tensing under some imaginary weight.

 

_‘Hello?’_

Nothing.

_‘Scotsman? Bowtie? Anyone?’_

The only thing she could feel inside her head, aside from herself, was the TARDIS. Who was positively ecstatic with the lost strain on her systems.

 

Letting out a long sigh, the Doctor let go of her head and turned towards her companion’s with a smile.

 

“Hiya fam. Seems like I’m all alone now. Well, save for you lot, but you don’t give me a headache. How long was I out for?”

“A really long time. I thought…we thought…”

 

Yaz shuffled closer, desperately wanting to reach out and touch the Doctor. Just to confirm she was okay, and that she was not dreaming. Seemingly aware of her struggle, the Time Lord let one of her hands drop down and Yaz instantly took it in her own, smiling back at her. Ryan fell back onto the cool floor, quietly laughing, while Graham sat on the nearby chair and shook his head.

 

“You’ve been in a coma this whole time then Doc?”

“Yeah. Needed to knit my brain back together. And fix up that electric shock. Did a right nasty job on my hearts, thanks for that old girl. But thanks for not actually killing me either, I knew you’d do a good job by me. Anyway, gonna still need to have a few days to catch up with everything. I’d rather not go running off again without properly fixing myself up. Oh, I could tell you so many stories about regenerative highs and the stupid things I’ve done after a change. Nothing beats this though. Never want to have dissonance again. I love me, and I love who I was, but I think that’s enough bonding for the rest of my lifetimes.”

 

As the Doctor lay her head back down and closed her eyes, Ryan and Graham took the opportunity to make their way over. They hovered beside Yaz briefly, before urging her up. Then, as a unit, they all leant over the Time Lord and gently wrapped their arms around her. Even the TARDIS made a sound of joy, and the Doctor could not help but smile to herself as her insides felt warm from the contact she was received. And the love she felt for her family. As the moment passed, the three of them went back to their lives, floating around in the time vortex and vowing to catch up on lost sleep. While the Doctor sounded off quietly with her oldest friend.

 

“I’m sorry I scared you. Back then. I could feel it, even amongst all the voices. Not like it’s hard to miss you anyway. But, thank you for looking after me. And for looking after them as well. I know you aren’t exactly partial to the…strays…that I bring back.”

_‘These ones…aren’t so bad. They care about you, and so I care for them. Now, go back to sleep Doctor. I won’t let you leave this room until you are fully recovered. We don’t want a relapse now, do we?’_

“No. You’re right. I really don’t want that. But you know I won’t be still for very long. There’s still a whole universe to explore. And I think we all deserve a break after this. I can’t imagine how those lot feel after being cooped up in here for so long. I have to thank them somehow. I’d be…well, let’s not think about that.”

 

The Doctor let out a quiet yawn, slowly rolling over onto her side to face the wall. Her stomach was still sore, so was her chest and her ribs ached, but anything was better than the lingering memories of the pain she had previously felt. Safe in the knowledge that her friends were taken care of and that nothing else seemed to be wrong with her, the Doctor closed her eyes again and settled further into the bed. Her dreams were filled with sights and sounds and people from her previous lives, all pooling together like a series of unwanted flashbacks. But they were harmless, and soon passed on to her hopes and wishes for the future. The places yet to see, the things yet to do, and the wonders that she could share with the best family she could have asked for.


End file.
